Attack of the Kirby salesman

This past Friday evening, I was hanging out with Bry & D waiting for daddy to get home and kick off our weekend when the doorbell rang. It was a really, really nice man telling me how he and his wife just moved to the area and they were opening up their own business cleaning carpets. He was offering to clean one room in my house, the only thing he asked in return, was that if I was pleased, I would help spread the word about his business. There was no obligation to buy anything. Who wouldn’t want a free carpet cleaning?

Now I was in a perfect situation. Just last week, I had a steam cleaned the carpet in my living room. Not only that, I vacuum every other day since the D-man puts any and everything in his mouth. My carpet is not just clean. It’s very clean. So you would think that I would be in a perfect position to say, “No thanks. I’m sorry.” Close the door. Done.

He told me it would take about 20 minutes, so I figured what the heck. I'm all about supporting entreprenuers and local businesses. Twenty minutes...remember that number.

He called his "guys" and they arrived 5 minutes later. It's now 4:35. Three big boxes get lugged into my living room. I noticed on one of the boxes the infamous "Kirby" brand. At any rate, the sales guy was going on about how cute my son was, and how lovely my home was, all the while, he is setting up a display of some sort, featuring the attachments of the Kirby vacuum cleaner.


The goal of the Kirby vacuum demonstration it to demonstrate how much dirt has been left within the carpet. A "Dirtmeter" attachment is used in place of a vacuum bag, while "dirt pads" are placed inside the attachment. When the vacuum is turned on, dirt lands on the pad, and is shown to the customer. The salesmen frequently replaces used dirt pads with new ones, leaving evidence of dirt around the vacuumed area.

The second goal of the demonstration is to show you how inferior your vacuum is. He whips out my handy dandy Hoover Fusion with "cyclone" suction power and vacuums my living room.

Here's how it went from there...

“Have I vacuumed this with your machine about the way that you would have?”
It is acceptable what you have done.

“Now that I have used the Kirby, do you see all this dirt that was left in your carpet.”
I have the ocular proof.

“If you had a chance to get this remaining dirt out of your carpet, would that be something you’d be interested in doing.”
The remaining dirt is upsetting to me and its removal would be most welcome.

“Wouldn’t you feel better if your son wasn’t crawling around near all this dirt?”
That’s an affirmative.

“If your machine is missing this much dirt, and you bought it to do precisely that very job, to remove dirt, then don’t you think it’s time you fired it and got something that will do the job.”
Can one really fire an inanimate object?

“You know what I mean. Get rid of it.”

He then leaned in for the final sales pitch. “Look, your machine isn’t getting the job done.” He then went on to talk about “superior suction power” and how the dirt in my carpet was going to destroy it by midnight unless I made some drastic changes, and that if I really, really loved my children, I would do this. For them. For their future.

Frankly, he had a point. I wondered "How much does this thing cost?"

It was now 5:45

“Would you like this Kirby in your home,” he asked.

“It depends,” I said. “How much does it cost.”

Now I knew that Kirbys were expensive. But when he handed me the flyer telling me the price, I honestly had to keep myself from laughing out loud. Want to know what the price was?

$2,049

Over two thousand dollars. It was at this point that I knew I was going to have to turn rude on him.

I did apologize for wasting his time, but I did let him know that there was absolutely NO WAY I was going to pay that price for a vacuum cleaner. Dude brings out the financing sheet. He told me I could afford to pay $30 a month (for the next 4 years), that he knew I could spare a dollar a day.

It's now 6:30

6:30 is feeding time around here, if not earlier. After I put my foot down about not purchasing the vacuum, I went into the kitchen to start cooking our dinner. He sat in the kitchen packing up his things. He had to call for a ride (just a little freaky), but finally got loaded up and stood outside by the mailbox waiting for the van. I told Chris he was gone, and how much he came off the original price to try to make a sale. We decided we would yank his chain for some giggles (since our Friday night was now shot) so we went outside and offered him $100 for the vacuum. He had to call his "boss", but it is unbelieveable what just happened....He sold it to us for just a little more than what we offered! Holy crap!

He came back in to do the paperwork (his ride still hadn't arrived...hmmm...) and finally left us with our new Kirby at almost 8pm. What a ride!